My Little Miracle

The exciting story of God's very special gift to Mama & Papa…


For those who’ve been waiting to find out her name, we are finally sharing it to the world at 38 weeks!

Here’s a short clip on our name reveal on Quackababy 2 a.k.a QB2 or Little Miss Quack. Click the image below to find out… 


More updates on how we got her name and why in another post 😀



Newborn Cloth Diaper Stash

Cloth Diapering Newborn Edition

It is without a doubt that we will cloth diaper QB2 when she arrives. We will probably start once she’s home and I will be doing reviews again; this time, mostly on newborn/Size 1 diapers which I didn’t really get to cover a lot with Leo last time. We will still use disposables as and when necessary and will bring those to the hospital too. I just don’t wanna stress about cloth while in the hospital or the first few days (from being an emotional wreck maybe).

I’ve collected enough newborn dipes for this bub and maybe even too many! I just hope I have enough time to review each one before she grows out of it.

For the most part, it is the newborn hybrids and fitteds that I will review more on as there are little information/reviews on them. These are often WAHM (Work at Home Moms) diapers from the US and they make superb quality diapers. Made from all natural materials such as bamboo, hemp, and cotton, these diapers are often more expensive then regular market brands. I will also review and re-review some market brands as well, just to see how they fit and if it makes a difference on a boy or a girl.

Here’s a list of what I have and will be reviewing.

Newborn Hybrids and Fitteds. It is hard to get the exact picture of each of these brands as they are not as widely known to all. But I will attach the brands here. And actual photos when baby arrives!


They usually look like this; no matter which WAHM. Typically comes with an umbilical cord snapdown and fits from 5-12 lbs (2.5-5.5 kg). I have 10 brands to review.

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Other market brands worth reviewing. These are typically fully waterproof; with PUL or TPU outer and will not require a cover. Some has the umbilical cord snapdown and some doesn’t. They are also AIOs (All-in-ones), except Applecheeks which is a pocket diaper.

  1. Tots Bots TeenyFit


2. Simplex Newborn AIO


3. Lil Joeys by Kangacare (same company as Rumparooz)


4. Grovia Newborn AIO


5. Thirsties Newborn AIO (old version)


6. Thirsties Newborn Fab Fitted


7. Applecheeks Size 1


That is all for now. These reviews will be for newborn/Size 1 diapers. Will probably do One-Sized diapers later on if there is a need or demand. OS diapers typically will not fit baby until they are probably 7-8kg or 6 months onwards for a better fit.

Speaking of reviews, I would like to review some of our local WAHM diapers too. YES, we have Malaysian mamas here who make diapers as well and I’ve heard good stuff about them! Let’s see if that will happen 🙂 We must support local WAHM.

If you want to read about my previous cloth diaper reviews on my son, you can find it below. But please bear in mind that those reviews were done when he was below 12 months old and some of my experiences have changed (especially on absorbency)! Do read all 5 parts for a better understanding.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Toddler Cloth Diapering







32 Weeks Bumpdate + Belly Belt!


32 weeks and 8 more to go! WOW time has really flown by with this pregnancy. Honestly, it feels fast but slow at the same time. I can’t wait to meet this baby girl and have everything almost prepared for her arrival; almost. 8 weeks feels pretty fast if you look at it, but 2 months feels kinda far away still. Well, I certainly don’t want her to come early, so the Christmas season and holidays is keeping me busy and excited and not thinking about how slow February will come.

Recently I have been using the Belly Belt with my jeans.

p/s – I am not affiliated with Belly Belt or sponsored in any way for this review. All opinions remain my own.

I had bought this item when I was pregnancy with QB back in 2013, but never really used it much. I gained a lot more weight with him and my non maternity pants just didn’t fit at my thighs and legs. But this time, my pre pregnancy jeans fits perfectly with this belly belt and I am pretty happy that I don’t have to buy any maternity pants. The only maternity bottoms I bought were 2 pairs of shorts which was on sale for 50% at Ginger Snaps. And… I wear shorts more than anything else because the weather here is crazy!


Just thought I’d share some photos of this Belly Belt an how it looks like on me and how it fits perfectly. It comes with 4 extension elastics/belts and 3 pieces of different colored fabric to match your pants. So far I’ve only used the shorter band and the black fabric.


From the front – maybe it’s my camera angle? But I am happy to see that my thighs are not gigantic and I think I look good here :p


Sideways – Whoaaaa, my butt doesn’t look that huge, really.


My jeans fit below my belly button, almost near the pelvic joint.


And nope, my belly button does not pop out. I’ve a pretty deep belly button! From the front – I just can’t zip and button as pre pregnancy would, but the belly belt helps to hold it together like an extension and your panties are covered with that piece of fabric inside.

Please note that I am never comfortable to show off my bare belly like this and in fact, I’ve never done it before! I don’t have a pretty belly to show off anyway. But I decided that I will share this great product and show you guys whats REAL. Stretch marks, fat deposits and whatnot. I have have courage now.

The only thing about using this product is that your shirts has to be long enough to cover your jeans. Or this part of your lower belly/crotch will be exposed. Thankfully, most maternity and nursing tops have a good length to them. So glad that this product has been put to good use this pregnancy. And I’m hoping that my thighs and butt will not get any bigger or else I can’t fit my jeans altogether!

Did you use any maternity products like this or specifically bought new pants during pregnancy? Do share with me what awesome buys you had!

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Red Raspberry Leaf Tea

I have heard the wonders of drinking Read Raspberry leaf Tea during pregnancy, especially in the 3rd trimester to help tone the uterus and aid an easier labor when time comes. I did not try this during my pregnancy with QB, so this time, I really want to see if it works for QB2.

Well, just like many suggestions or old wives tales when it comes to labor, it all really depends on how your body reacts. Some may work, some may not. And as each pregnancy is different, surely labor and delivery will be too. As some may know, QB was overdue last time. He came at 40+2. Trust me, being overdue is NOT fun! You are already feeling super heavy, super tired, and the waiting game makes you so anxious and stressed. This time, I am really hoping that QB2 will come on time or anytime after 39 weeks. I have done all sorts of suggested ideas to bring on labor quicker with QB, but of course it didn’t work, not even after 2-3 membrane sweeps! So this time, I am very determined.

What I know about Red Raspberry Leaf Tea?

In my own research, I found out these information that helped me make the decision to try it.

  1. It tones your uterus and makes it more effective during labor. It also means that each contraction that you have will be deep and makes progress. 
  2. It makes labor pain more manageable (if you’ve done it before, you KNOW how labor feels like). From what I’ve read, many said that the contractions were painful but manageable and when they are checked, they dilated a lot and next thing you know, its time to push!
  3. It reduces labor time. I labored for 7 hours with QB (from when contraction started till he was born). I consider myself lucky because some first time mamas have it for 12-24 hours. Even then, it’ll be awesome if labor was shorter. Not too short, but a good amount of time (no one wants to have baby in the car!).
  4. It helps even in the after birth. Because your uterus is very toned and effective (it knows what to do!), delivering the placenta could be easier too, and it helps shape your uterus back to normal quicker (from the size of a watermelon, back to an orange). That means getting back in shape faster, without a pooch for too long.
  5. It is safe, pretty much proven and no risk. Research also says that it helps in milk supply and breastfeeding too after birth. Reducing the pain of uterine contraction during breastfeeding. 

Here’s a great article written on RRLT during pregnancy and how much to take it —> Red Raspberry leaf Tea in Pregnancy. Google is a great source of information too if you are deciding weather or not to take it. Bear in mind though, that RRLT may not be suitable in the first trimester (again, depends on your body).

Currently, I am taking 2 sachets/cups a day. The recommended amount would be 3-4 cups in the third trimester, but I may increase it probably around 36 weeks onwards; I don’t want to risk any signs of early labor or a premature baby at the same time. I am saying this because I am already having Braxton-Hicks contractions every now and then. My belly would tighten so hard and then get back to normal. Practice contraction is what they call it. It is not painful, just uncomfortable and makes it hard to breathe or eat. Happens to me more in the evenings.

Where can I buy Res Raspberry Leaf Tea?

There are some local retailers that carries this tea but unfortunately, they are not 100% red raspberry leaf (according to the nutritional facts and ingredients listed). They have the same info and write up on it; that it is for menstrual cramps and pregnancy), but I am not so confident. I wanted an organic one and those that had personal reviews and experiences so I chose to buy from iHerb.

If you’re not familiar with iHerb, it is an online store from the US and they specialize in health, beauty, baby and mostly organic products. Recently, they have been pretty famous in Malaysia and ships direct to us; which is super awesome! Also, now you can change the currency to MYR which makes it easier to see the prices and they have pretty good discounts and deals often. If you want to give it a try, feel free to use my DISCOUNT CODE —> or LRB354 when you checkout for USD$5 off your first purchase! A very good deal indeed. You save RM20+ and that’s the price of one box of this Red Raspberry Leaf Tea!

Here’s the RRLT that I bought. I bought 2 different brands to try because they both seem to have great reviews and they’re both organic. I wanted to try both just for fun and to satisfy curiosity.


I will keep you updated on the results and give you guys updates too along the process. I am taking this tea religiously because I am praying that it’ll work!

Have you tried Red Raspberry Leaf Tea during pregnancy? If yes, please share with me your experiences!



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Baby Moon 2015

They always say you should go for a Baby Moon before the new baby arrives, and before adding another addition to the family, you should enjoy whatever time you have left with just the current family. Because it’s all gonna change forever after that.

We were so blessed by our aunt & uncle who sponsored us a trip to Port Dickson over the weekend. We were supposed to go for this trip since July or August as a short break for me; as I was expressing how tired and exhausted I was over Facebook and my aunt took note of it. I was then still in early pregnancy and was feeling all the hormonal roller coaster and just really needed a getaway. Then, there was the haze that took over 2 months to clear, so we couldn’t really schedule the trip. Finally, we decided to use it as our Baby Moon since I am in the home run now and our finances did not allow us to travel anywhere further.

This trip meant a lot to us because it means that we have ‘us’ time and I don’t have to think about chores and work for a moment. We never really get that because I live with my dad in law. And most of the time, we have dinners together and it is never just ‘us’ at home. There are a lot of challenges a when you’re not living with your ‘own’ family; if you know what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not entirely a bad situation, but it challenges me especially after having kids.

The days when we’re alone, I also realized that we behave differently; at least for me. I am more calm, more patient, and more gentle I’d say. Sometimes at trying times, it makes me raise my voice, having to stand up and prove myself, constantly feeling like a lousy mother, and just bringing me down. And it brings out the worst me in, which is not the real me. It’s really, really hard and there are days I only cry because I know that I am not a bad mother and I can handle whatever the situation. I just want to be me. The real me. And I am only able to be that when we’re a family with just ‘us’.

Anyway, those aside (and maybe in another post when I get the courage to share), we really enjoyed ourselves! Little did we know we will enjoy Port Dickson as much as this. I was never a fan of the beaches in West Malaysia, but this time was different. Maybe because we had QB with us and it was his ‘first time’ actually playing on the beach. We did go to Boracay last year when he turned 1, but he was too young to really do anything or remember anything. This trip has stored many memories in me and it is one that I will never forget.

God has been so good to us. Things we never would’ve thought possible came through and He is forever faithful. The weather was great and the whole trip was eventful. Psssssstt – I even recorded a name reveal video! Not sure how we are gonna announce it, but it’s very exciting!

Here’s some photos to share our trip with you guys and I can’t wait for the next family trip; whenever it may be; with QB2.


Waking up to this silhouette was one of the best feelings ever.


QB wasn’t so sure about the beach at first. He didn’t wanna touch the water.


Goofy family photo!!!


All ready for the beach with his bucket of sand toys!


A little more brave the next day! And loving the Applecheeks swim diaper.



He definitely loved the sand and helped us dug a hole to sit in it.


I love this photo of the boys in my life.



Beach time is also ice Popsicle time!


My 30 week belly. With battle scars. And no thigh gap. LOL.


Real and raw. A photo with my little lion! I love you, son!


Picnic breakfast at the beach!


Daddy dug a hole to sit inside to watch the waves. Pure bliss ~


One of our favorite photos of QB! He loves the Trunki and is looking forward for our next family trip too!

We all came back slightly sunburned, but Daddy got it worse. I came back with a bruise on my left arm. No idea how I got it. And I had 2 sand fly bites on my face! Not exactly the best place but it’s been a week, and getting better. Beware of sand flies though, if you’re travelling to PD 🙂


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Servicing my Spectra M1 breast pump

I have a couple of things listed on my to-do list before QB2 arrives but one of the most important one was to service my breast pump. Regardless weather you direct latch all the time or you bottle feed, you will use a breast pump in some way; at least for me.

I am that mama who overproduces milk. Now now… don’t say I’m lucky, because when you over produce, it is just as hard as under producing. The strong let down, the baby choking on your milk, the milk that sprays everywhere; let’s just not get there. So knowing my past experience, I know that I will definitely be using my Spectra M1 and I need it to be in tip top condition.

I love my Spectra M1 breast pump, and if you haven’t read my review and comparison with the Medela Freestyle, you can read it here. This was posted back in February 2014 when I first purchased it to use, and when QB was 6 months old, and I was exclusively breastfeeding.

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p/s: Please note that I am in no way sponsored by Spectra Baby Malaysia or have any business ties with them. I purchased everything by myself and all my reviews and opinions remain my own.

I used the pump until November 2014, when QB decided to wean himself. So I had used the pump for 9 months consecutively, 2 times a day. I never serviced it ever, in that time frame. And I haven’t had any major issues besides changing the valve a couple of times. The valve is one of the most sensitive part of the pump as any slight tears or deformity will affect your pumping session and yield. Trust me, I couldn’t even see the tear and when the sales person challenged me to change it, my yield went back to normal. It is common that this will happen because when we wash the valve, we could have accidentally pushed it too hard. Don’t worry, the valve cost RM14 per piece and it wont burn a hole in your pocket!(remember that my review is also comparing quality and value for money).


Another little issue that I had was that the battery did not last as long as before. It would be fully charged and then will only last about 30 minutes before dying. Other than these 2 minor set backs, the Spectra M1 was awesome.

Since I stopped pumping, I kept my pump back into the box,  and cleaned all the parts well before storing them for the next use. Little did I know that I am so excited to use it again in about 2 months time. I sent my pump to Histopoint at SS18 last week for servicing. When the guy tested my pump, he said it was working just fine. At the highest suction level (level 5) the pressure went to about 300. I was amazed and very happy that the pump is still performing so well, despite being in storage for 1 year! However, he mentioned that the suction could be even better after a general service. I also mentioned about the battery issue that I had so he said the technician will take a look.

2 days ago, I got a call from them telling me that they need to replace the pump battery for me as the battery was weak; hence the problem that I had (which I think happened because I dropped it a couple of times during that 9 months of usage). She also suggested me to replace the pump motor as well. I was a tad bit disappointed to hear that because initially the guy tested and said it was still ok. The reason was she said the suction may not be as good (after using it for awhile) and I can chose to replace it later, but that will mean I have to go back there all the way from KL to Subang) and wait a week before I get my pump back. I did not want to risk it, so agreed to go ahead with the replacements.

I was mentally preparing myself to pay a lot for the replacement of parts. When I serviced the Medela Freestyle that I used, it costs me RM300! I was beyond shocked and I also replaced the connectors for RM129. Well, what do you expect from a pump that costs almost RM2000? Or maybe even more now. I asked her about the price to replace my Spectra M1 parts and I was happy to hear that the battery was RM50 and the motor was RM90. I am so thankful that the total price came up to less than RM200 and not too high that I would rather buy a new pump altogether! I paid a total of RM170 including the service fee and collected it yesterday. The guy tested it again and the highest suction went up too 350.

I got to take back the old parts too. Just for fun 🙂


They also told me that they have a 6 month warranty for the new motor, starting from the day that QB2 will be born. I asked again to make sure it was legit because I would be deeply upset if they told me it was not and if something really happened to my pump. All I have to do is to bring baby’s birth cert/MyKid and then get it fixed under warranty.

I am very happy with the service provided by Spectra Baby Malaysia so far and I hope that many mamas will experience the same too. Even though I’ve heard some not so good stories about their service, I did not experience the same. My experience was pleasant and the people I spoke to was helpful and informative.


My Spectra M1 is really value for money. I only serviced it once and I believe I will not have to service it again maybe until baby #3, and after storing it for another year or so (if we will have QB3…). I can’t wait to use the pump again and then have another review on longevity and pump performance.

Are you a Spectra user? How is your experience so far?



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Vacation… cloth or no cloth?

We went for a short trip to Port Dickson for our wedding anniversary and took Leo with us! It was our first trip together as a family and I tried to take some pics. Of course, it was not as easy as I thought coz we had no tripod and I also realized we never took a proper photo as a family before… all 3 of us. We did try and most of them are kinda blur coz he was moving and we needed to take it quick, haha!





Leo in his “swim diaper” and sun hat!


When we were packing, I was contemplating on whether to cloth diaper him or use disposables. So far, he is in cloth all day except at night. Yes, I use disposables at night. Why? Coz I still have a few packs of disposable diapers (which was given to me from other people and I also did buy some when I was pregnant in the early days before I had known about cloth). In which, some I had to give away because he does not fit into size S anymore! Well, I know for sure that once these disposables are done using, I may not buy them at all. I will have to figure out how to use cloth at night for more absorbency.

So for this trip, I had decided to use disposables all the way. The reason was pretty simple:-

  1. For fun! I wanted to know how it feels to do that and how convenient it may be (might as well use it since I already have them?)
  2. Being away for 3 days means I will have a whole lot of laundry to do when I get back. Our clothes, his clothes, diapers, sheets… ughh! (I do diaper laundry every other day, sometimes EVERYDAY even!) I don’t wanna let my diapers stay stinky for so many days, haha!
  3. So I can blog about it and tell people the difference with cloth and disposables when being away. Since I do advocate cloth diapering, it is only fair that I try on disposables to know how the others feel.

I packed a total of 20 diapers for the whole 3 days. I really do not know how many diapers we may go through so packing extras is always better. I also brought a small pack of disposable wipes (30 pcs). We came home to an extra 8 diapers and less than half of the pack of wipes. So here are my pros and cons on diapering on disposables.

Good Stuff:-

  1. No extra laundry! (which means, no spraying off poop and stuffing/unstuffing diapers)
  2. More luggage space. Yes, disposables are SO TINY! They are well packed compared to cloth. I would say if I were to bring 20 cloth diapers, I may need another luggage! Eeekk!!!
  3. Convenient. Put on, take off, and throw! (Honestly, I was having fun throwing them away. Like “yay here’s the trash can!”)

Not so good stuff:-

  1. Leaks! On the first night, it leaked right through! Not because it was full, but it was the fit of the diaper. Disposables are pretty lose when worn and somehow the leg gussets did not work quite well (could be the way I put them on?) Leo is a squirming baby even when he sleeps. So he must have moved and then it leaked. Poor baby was crying in the middle of the night and I found that part of the bed wet. I mean REALLY WET! So I had to change him and he woke up. There goes Mama’s sleep… (p/s: He also leaked when we were having dinner… sucks!)
  2. Costs. Disposables are more expensive in the long run. Now, why I say that? We took him swimming twice during the whole trip and we would put a pocket cloth diaper cover on him as his swim diaper. I would take off the disposable before changing into swim diaper and then put on a new disposable after that. This means I have used 2 diapers already. Maybe I could have reused the earlier diaper? He probably only wet it once (it feels kinda dry but I know he had peed in it already because I can smell it) But I did not. I don’t wanna put a used diaper on him even though it can hold more. With cloth, I did not have to worry changing him as often as I like because they will go into the wash and be reused again. That is a plus for me! I love the fact that I can just change a diaper whenever I want (i.e. I open the cloth to check on him, pee or poo, little or not, I will just change it anyway) Makes sense?
  3. Disposable wipes/wet tissues are pretty yucky. Please don’t get me wrong (I use them too!) Leo has been eating puree once a day and his poop is like peanut butter now. Thick and sticky. I find myself using 2-3 wipes each time I clean up a poopy diaper! These wipes are too thin and cannot clean as well. With cloth wipes (I use regular wash cloths – bought two packs of 8 for only RM15), they are so much thicker and wider and I only use one with each diaper change.

Those were the only 3 points I felt necessary to mention on the difference between cloth and disposables. I am not saying one is better than the other, they both work great. For me, I missed my cloth so much that when we got home, I changed Leo into a cloth and he poops in it immediately, LOL! Maybe if I had gone more days away on vacation, I will use cloth and just wash them there and hang it dry. Why not? It shall be my next experiment to do.

So how do you diaper on vacation/holiday? Do share it with me on the comments below 🙂

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May 31

This is my last entry for this blog. For now. Until the next miracle happens.

Today is the day.
Today is the day there the doctor is gonna remove the tissue/placenta from my body.
Today is the day for the scheduled D&C surgery.

I’ve waited for 6 days for this day. Hoping the miscarriage will happen naturally before today, but I guess it didn’t. I was spotting for a few days with little cramps on and off but still nothing. It was VERY hard waiting, knowing that I am IN THE MIDDLE of a miscarriage situation. Working was hard because I had to not break down with emotions. I had to put on a smile and pretend that nothing is happening, where as, inside, I was grieving and hurting.

So yea… it was tough and I am glad it is over.

We arrived at the hospital at 8.30am and saw the doc. She gave me 2 pills to be put under the tongue to dissolve slowly. This is so help the cervix dilate and placenta to detach from my body. Shortly after, I went to the waiting room and the nurse took my blood pressure and asked me some questions regarding my health and allergies. I think I waited around 30 mins and I could feel my belly starting to hurt more and more. Contractions on and off. and I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. I kept singing in my heart, the song “You are good”. Over and over, I was reminding myself that I am grateful. My life is in His hands and there is nothing to fear. Soon after, I changed into the hospital robe and prepare for the surgery.

Assisted to the Operating Theater, the nurse inserted a drip into my left hand. The needle was pretty huge but I wasn’t afraid.

As I walked in to the OR, it was super cold. Lied down on the bed and the nurses covered me with a few layers of blanket. While lying there, I was looking around and the theater really looks like what it is in Grey’s Anatomy.

The bright lights. The heart monitor sound. The doors. The surgical tools (was huge and long and metal and a little scary…) very alike in the series. Luckily, I am a fan of Grey’s and at least some of it are real.

When the doc arrived, the nurse injected general anesthetic into my bloodstream. In the matter of seconds, I went off.

I didn’t know how long it took but when I woke in the recovery room, it was already 2.30pm! Terence was by my side and I knew it was over. Abdominal pain was there and with bleeding. Thankfully, I could walk and move. The doc came and check on me and said I will be able to go home and rest.

Mom and sis came to visit today. Mom made made a nice herbal soup for us and Terence cooked dinner. I am so thankful that they came and see me. In this time, it would mean the world to me to know that they are by my side.

Today is a long day. Today, many things happened.
I guess I am feeling better. It’s a choice. A choice to move on. A choice to look forward to better things in the future.

God is good and He will never ever leave us. Whatever His plan may be, it shall be. I will obey and I will sing. I will rejoice and I will praise.
Sometimes it is hard to do all these, never knowing what the answer is or if God really has a better plan?
It’s a choice. We choose to trust Him and believe that His thoughts are higher.

To my little miracle,
I never met you. I never knew you. But I felt you. So let’s move on and see what life has to offer. Mama and Papa do love you and there are no words to explain or express this love. You were not a mere dream, but you were real. It was an early 3 months but I believe you might be in a better place.

“Most assuredly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone. But if it dies, it produces much grain”.
John 12:24

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May 27: Unexpected & Unreal

This post is for me to talk about what happened and learn to let go of all my emotions and thoughts. This is very personal.

On Friday, Mama and Papa went to check on you with Dr Menon in the morning. Had a nice breakfast with Aunt Nini and went straight to the hospital. During the check, Dr Menon could not find anything in the womb but mere a tiny little dot. There wasn’t a heartbeat, there wasn’t any features, there was…an empty placenta. Mama was so excited and looking forward for this day since then but it has come to something really shocking for us. We didn’t ask more questions as it was an unexpected answer and so we left. Our option was that we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before considering a termination to this pregnancy.

I was heartbroken. Torn. I didn’t know what to feel. Papa was very very sad too.

On Saturday, we went to visit another doctor to get a 2nd opinion. This doctor was nice and she explained the situation and what is our next step. It was confirmed that I had a blighted ovum, which means, you didn’t grow/develop further. There isn’t anything we can do because you are already between 9-11 weeks. This is common and many women went through this. It is a chromosome disorder. Doc suggested a D&C to have it removed and not let it go on because this can go up to 4-5 months, and if unchecked, it is not healthy. The placenta is strong and I am feeling just like how many pregnant women might feel, except that there is no baby.

Again, a rush of sadness poured over me. I wanted it to expel naturally as it is normal for our bodies to do that if it was an unsuccessful pregnancy, but we do not know when.  I have until Thursday, if something happens. If not, Thursday D&C is scheduled. A natural miscarriage would feel exactly like labor. Just like giving birth, a lot of blood and pain, except that its giving birth to the empty placenta. I’d rather have it naturally than medicated.

It seems that our joy of bringing you into the world was short-lived. The reason I only wrote about it now is because I was too emotional the past 1-2 days. Mama cried a lot on Friday, few times yesterday and today too. I wished I could do something about it, but I can’t. Having said that, we would never know why this happened. Papa hugged Mama tightly and said that we will go through this and we can always try again next time. Papa is staying strong for me and you should know that you are the symbol of our love and our dreams.

The world is pretty unfair. People who never planned it, will have it. And those who wanted it, never had. It’s just how it is. I choose not to be mad or be angry at God for taking it away or for letting this happen. I don’t even want to question. All I know is that His thoughts are higher and is ways are better. Remind me again, that God has His plans and He will turn things around for good.

Reading back this blog-which was dedicated to you, my baby, made tears roll down my cheeks. I will not be celebrating Mother’s Day next year. I will not be able to feel you kick or hick-up in my belly. I will not be able to hear your heartbeat. I will not be able to hold you in my arms and look at your precious smile.

Mama is emotional because you are still inside me. I still am pregnant but I cannot bear the thought that there’s no life. I feel all the natural symptoms and it is reminding me of how much I love you and I would never ever would hurt you. It is hard to hold my belly. It is hard to look at babies around me. It is hard to hear stories from other people about their pregnancy experiences. It is almost overwhelming and I cannot breathe.

Only time will heal.

This is one of my favorite songs and I know God is on our side. Only He can comfort and only He can give us peace. Oh Lord, it shall be well with my soul.

CLICK —-> The More I Seek You

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May 13

Today has been a long, tiring but productive day. Mama did a lot of things but I guess it is all for the good of today. It is Mother’s Day today.

I can’t believe I am gonna be a mom soon and next year, we would be celebrating it officially!

So today, after church, Papa and Mama went to Mid Valley for the Baby Expo. Well, it is our first exposure to these kinda events so it was good that we know what it is about and what they have to offer us. It was packed with people, as it was a Sunday. Many were pregnant women and many have babies with them. There were many things to see! In particular, we saw baby carriers and strollers. Well, we do need it when you arrive to bring you home. It wasn’t cheap but I’d say reasonable. But of course, we did not buy as yet coz it felt too early still. Then after, we saw baby cribs. I would like a wooden crib rather than those playpens. Although playpens are cheaper, Mama somehow felt that cribs are more stable. Particularly, we both liked the GRACO stroller/carrier and also the playpen. It looks convincing and practical. As cheap as they were selling as today is the last day of the expo, we didn’t buy it. I wished that I did, but the wise thing to do is wait. Wait for more opportunities and wait for you to grow bigger 🙂

After a long walk at the expo, we went home and Mama slept coz I wasn’t feeling too well. First time in this trimester, I actually felt like puking! Felt very nauseas and dizzy. Not to mention, they weather was killing! My foot were sore and my knees felt some pain. Probably from walking long with those flat shoes. I should have worn nice compy flip flops!

After the nap, Mama, Papa, and your Aunt Nini went for dinner with your grandma. Yep, with my mommy! I am so glad to see her! The last time I saw her was during my wedding. Seems like forever. It was a good dinner and when she found out I was expecting you, she was thrilled! I can see the sparkle in her eyes and I am glad she gave me some tips too. Your grandma would love to hold you in her arms soon. We have a different kind of relationship, but because of you, we will get closer and know each other even more 🙂

After dinner we went to the groceries. I wanted to know some ingredients to boil some nice soup so grandma taught me how to find certain things and it was very productive. I am gonna boil soup this week! YUMMY! Don’t worry, Mama is a good cook and you will get to taste it when you’re born 😀

Once home, I quickly unpacked the groceries and clean the kitchen a little bit. Papa was mopping the whole house and cleaning after the dogs as well. That was already 11.30pm when we did that.

Did I tell you how much I love Papa?
He cleaned the whole house without ever complaining and he asks me to do it. He would sweep/vacuum/mop all by himself and also do the toilet!

He would be dripping in sweat after doing all that and I know it was a lot of hard work!
I am amazed at this creation of God. Sometimes I fail to show/tell him how much I appreciate him for doing these things, but I hope someday, that I will be able to show it to him. He makes sure the house is clean is comfortable for me as I am expecting you. I know he is doing it because he wants to. There are no words to describe how much I love him and having you, proves it! He is such a great person and I bet he’ll be a cool dad to have! I can’t wait for you to meet him and learn all the things about him. He will be your hero, trust me!

I am really tired now and Mama has an 8.30am class tomorrow. It is already 1am now. I am going to sleep and baby, I love you very much. May you sleep soundly and continue to grow.

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