First of all, I have to let you guys know, I have been super busy! SUPER! I’ve started work and the hours are wearing me out. Not that it is long working hours (only sometimes), but more of an adjustment for me. And because I come home late, by the time I got to prepare dinner, do laundry, prepare Leo’s items for the next day at daycare, it is already time for him to sleep and it is 11pm! So yea, I don’t get to snuggle with my little man for long and I feel that I have missed out the important milestones of his life 😦 it sucks…
But yet again, I have to work. It is not an option for me to stay home. At least not yet. Having a month of unpaid leave is already drying me out, but it is a decision that I am glad I made. I got to spend more time with bub and captured his first smile and we had set up a general daily routine so it was easier to go back to work.
Routine has been the same but I miss him all day everyday! His first day last week was the hardest for me. All I think about is just holding and snuggling him, wearing him on the Ergo and just talking to him. It was really hard. At work, I find myself scrolling through my mobile photos of him and smiling to myself. Finding time to pump and making sure that I have enough supply was another dread. I try not feel stressed about it, but really, I don’t like pumping at all! I had to find me a distraction. I try to find things to do to keep my mind busy so that time would pass quicker, and it did work. It is week 2 this week and I hope that we can really work out a better routine so that he does not sleep too late and that I get more sleep too. Currently he still wakes up 1-2- times through the night and sometimes 4-5- times even! Mama definitely needs more sleep.
I’m sure he is doing alright at daycare. Most of the caregivers are really nice and they do handle him very well. It is only me. That some part of me feels guilty for not being there for him. I am his Mama and I am not even there for him! He spends 10 hours at daycare! What if he cries because he misses me? What if he wanted comfort by nursing? What if he’s unwell and just wanted a snuggle? These questions pop up in my head often. I know that I have to let go because he will learn to adjust and there is nothing I can do. I feel guilty because I know that he only needs me now… sooner or later, he is gonna grow and not need me anymore. I want to cherish the times now when he needs me more and it makes me feel complete.
Anyway, it is the end of week 2 today and I am looking forward to the weekend! I look forward for more snuggles, for longer sleep hours, for socializing with Leo and nursing him. For spending time with my family and Papa. For more hours just to be with him.