My Little Miracle

The exciting story of God's very special gift to Mama & Papa…

May 27: Unexpected & Unreal

on May 27, 2012

This post is for me to talk about what happened and learn to let go of all my emotions and thoughts. This is very personal.

On Friday, Mama and Papa went to check on you with Dr Menon in the morning. Had a nice breakfast with Aunt Nini and went straight to the hospital. During the check, Dr Menon could not find anything in the womb but mere a tiny little dot. There wasn’t a heartbeat, there wasn’t any features, there was…an empty placenta. Mama was so excited and looking forward for this day since then but it has come to something really shocking for us. We didn’t ask more questions as it was an unexpected answer and so we left. Our option was that we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before considering a termination to this pregnancy.

I was heartbroken. Torn. I didn’t know what to feel. Papa was very very sad too.

On Saturday, we went to visit another doctor to get a 2nd opinion. This doctor was nice and she explained the situation and what is our next step. It was confirmed that I had a blighted ovum, which means, you didn’t grow/develop further. There isn’t anything we can do because you are already between 9-11 weeks. This is common and many women went through this. It is a chromosome disorder. Doc suggested a D&C to have it removed and not let it go on because this can go up to 4-5 months, and if unchecked, it is not healthy. The placenta is strong and I am feeling just like how many pregnant women might feel, except that there is no baby.

Again, a rush of sadness poured over me. I wanted it to expel naturally as it is normal for our bodies to do that if it was an unsuccessful pregnancy, but we do not know when.  I have until Thursday, if something happens. If not, Thursday D&C is scheduled. A natural miscarriage would feel exactly like labor. Just like giving birth, a lot of blood and pain, except that its giving birth to the empty placenta. I’d rather have it naturally than medicated.

It seems that our joy of bringing you into the world was short-lived. The reason I only wrote about it now is because I was too emotional the past 1-2 days. Mama cried a lot on Friday, few times yesterday and today too. I wished I could do something about it, but I can’t. Having said that, we would never know why this happened. Papa hugged Mama tightly and said that we will go through this and we can always try again next time. Papa is staying strong for me and you should know that you are the symbol of our love and our dreams.

The world is pretty unfair. People who never planned it, will have it. And those who wanted it, never had. It’s just how it is. I choose not to be mad or be angry at God for taking it away or for letting this happen. I don’t even want to question. All I know is that His thoughts are higher and is ways are better. Remind me again, that God has His plans and He will turn things around for good.

Reading back this blog-which was dedicated to you, my baby, made tears roll down my cheeks. I will not be celebrating Mother’s Day next year. I will not be able to feel you kick or hick-up in my belly. I will not be able to hear your heartbeat. I will not be able to hold you in my arms and look at your precious smile.

Mama is emotional because you are still inside me. I still am pregnant but I cannot bear the thought that there’s no life. I feel all the natural symptoms and it is reminding me of how much I love you and I would never ever would hurt you. It is hard to hold my belly. It is hard to look at babies around me. It is hard to hear stories from other people about their pregnancy experiences. It is almost overwhelming and I cannot breathe.

Only time will heal.

This is one of my favorite songs and I know God is on our side. Only He can comfort and only He can give us peace. Oh Lord, it shall be well with my soul.

CLICK —-> The More I Seek You

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One response to “May 27: Unexpected & Unreal

  1. Zimmie Loy says:

    Dear Little One,

    Wherever you may be, know that your Mama & Papa loves you so much.
    And most importantly our Heavenly Father, loves you unconditionally.
    We might not see you now, but we know that we will see you very soon!
    Our Father, might have better plans for your Mama.

    Love you very much,
    Aunt Nini

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