My Little Miracle

The exciting story of God's very special gift to Mama & Papa…

May 31

This is my last entry for this blog. For now. Until the next miracle happens.

Today is the day.
Today is the day there the doctor is gonna remove the tissue/placenta from my body.
Today is the day for the scheduled D&C surgery.

I’ve waited for 6 days for this day. Hoping the miscarriage will happen naturally before today, but I guess it didn’t. I was spotting for a few days with little cramps on and off but still nothing. It was VERY hard waiting, knowing that I am IN THE MIDDLE of a miscarriage situation. Working was hard because I had to not break down with emotions. I had to put on a smile and pretend that nothing is happening, where as, inside, I was grieving and hurting.

So yea… it was tough and I am glad it is over.

We arrived at the hospital at 8.30am and saw the doc. She gave me 2 pills to be put under the tongue to dissolve slowly. This is so help the cervix dilate and placenta to detach from my body. Shortly after, I went to the waiting room and the nurse took my blood pressure and asked me some questions regarding my health and allergies. I think I waited around 30 mins and I could feel my belly starting to hurt more and more. Contractions on and off. and I could feel my heartbeat in my ears. I kept singing in my heart, the song “You are good”. Over and over, I was reminding myself that I am grateful. My life is in His hands and there is nothing to fear. Soon after, I changed into the hospital robe and prepare for the surgery.

Assisted to the Operating Theater, the nurse inserted a drip into my left hand. The needle was pretty huge but I wasn’t afraid.

As I walked in to the OR, it was super cold. Lied down on the bed and the nurses covered me with a few layers of blanket. While lying there, I was looking around and the theater really looks like what it is in Grey’s Anatomy.

The bright lights. The heart monitor sound. The doors. The surgical tools (was huge and long and metal and a little scary…) very alike in the series. Luckily, I am a fan of Grey’s and at least some of it are real.

When the doc arrived, the nurse injected general anesthetic into my bloodstream. In the matter of seconds, I went off.

I didn’t know how long it took but when I woke in the recovery room, it was already 2.30pm! Terence was by my side and I knew it was over. Abdominal pain was there and with bleeding. Thankfully, I could walk and move. The doc came and check on me and said I will be able to go home and rest.

Mom and sis came to visit today. Mom made made a nice herbal soup for us and Terence cooked dinner. I am so thankful that they came and see me. In this time, it would mean the world to me to know that they are by my side.

Today is a long day. Today, many things happened.
I guess I am feeling better. It’s a choice. A choice to move on. A choice to look forward to better things in the future.

God is good and He will never ever leave us. Whatever His plan may be, it shall be. I will obey and I will sing. I will rejoice and I will praise.
Sometimes it is hard to do all these, never knowing what the answer is or if God really has a better plan?
It’s a choice. We choose to trust Him and believe that His thoughts are higher.

To my little miracle,
I never met you. I never knew you. But I felt you. So let’s move on and see what life has to offer. Mama and Papa do love you and there are no words to explain or express this love. You were not a mere dream, but you were real. It was an early 3 months but I believe you might be in a better place.

“Most assuredly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone. But if it dies, it produces much grain”.
John 12:24

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May 27: Unexpected & Unreal

This post is for me to talk about what happened and learn to let go of all my emotions and thoughts. This is very personal.

On Friday, Mama and Papa went to check on you with Dr Menon in the morning. Had a nice breakfast with Aunt Nini and went straight to the hospital. During the check, Dr Menon could not find anything in the womb but mere a tiny little dot. There wasn’t a heartbeat, there wasn’t any features, there was…an empty placenta. Mama was so excited and looking forward for this day since then but it has come to something really shocking for us. We didn’t ask more questions as it was an unexpected answer and so we left. Our option was that we wanted to wait another 2 weeks before considering a termination to this pregnancy.

I was heartbroken. Torn. I didn’t know what to feel. Papa was very very sad too.

On Saturday, we went to visit another doctor to get a 2nd opinion. This doctor was nice and she explained the situation and what is our next step. It was confirmed that I had a blighted ovum, which means, you didn’t grow/develop further. There isn’t anything we can do because you are already between 9-11 weeks. This is common and many women went through this. It is a chromosome disorder. Doc suggested a D&C to have it removed and not let it go on because this can go up to 4-5 months, and if unchecked, it is not healthy. The placenta is strong and I am feeling just like how many pregnant women might feel, except that there is no baby.

Again, a rush of sadness poured over me. I wanted it to expel naturally as it is normal for our bodies to do that if it was an unsuccessful pregnancy, but we do not know when.  I have until Thursday, if something happens. If not, Thursday D&C is scheduled. A natural miscarriage would feel exactly like labor. Just like giving birth, a lot of blood and pain, except that its giving birth to the empty placenta. I’d rather have it naturally than medicated.

It seems that our joy of bringing you into the world was short-lived. The reason I only wrote about it now is because I was too emotional the past 1-2 days. Mama cried a lot on Friday, few times yesterday and today too. I wished I could do something about it, but I can’t. Having said that, we would never know why this happened. Papa hugged Mama tightly and said that we will go through this and we can always try again next time. Papa is staying strong for me and you should know that you are the symbol of our love and our dreams.

The world is pretty unfair. People who never planned it, will have it. And those who wanted it, never had. It’s just how it is. I choose not to be mad or be angry at God for taking it away or for letting this happen. I don’t even want to question. All I know is that His thoughts are higher and is ways are better. Remind me again, that God has His plans and He will turn things around for good.

Reading back this blog-which was dedicated to you, my baby, made tears roll down my cheeks. I will not be celebrating Mother’s Day next year. I will not be able to feel you kick or hick-up in my belly. I will not be able to hear your heartbeat. I will not be able to hold you in my arms and look at your precious smile.

Mama is emotional because you are still inside me. I still am pregnant but I cannot bear the thought that there’s no life. I feel all the natural symptoms and it is reminding me of how much I love you and I would never ever would hurt you. It is hard to hold my belly. It is hard to look at babies around me. It is hard to hear stories from other people about their pregnancy experiences. It is almost overwhelming and I cannot breathe.

Only time will heal.

This is one of my favorite songs and I know God is on our side. Only He can comfort and only He can give us peace. Oh Lord, it shall be well with my soul.

CLICK —-> The More I Seek You

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May 13

Today has been a long, tiring but productive day. Mama did a lot of things but I guess it is all for the good of today. It is Mother’s Day today.

I can’t believe I am gonna be a mom soon and next year, we would be celebrating it officially!

So today, after church, Papa and Mama went to Mid Valley for the Baby Expo. Well, it is our first exposure to these kinda events so it was good that we know what it is about and what they have to offer us. It was packed with people, as it was a Sunday. Many were pregnant women and many have babies with them. There were many things to see! In particular, we saw baby carriers and strollers. Well, we do need it when you arrive to bring you home. It wasn’t cheap but I’d say reasonable. But of course, we did not buy as yet coz it felt too early still. Then after, we saw baby cribs. I would like a wooden crib rather than those playpens. Although playpens are cheaper, Mama somehow felt that cribs are more stable. Particularly, we both liked the GRACO stroller/carrier and also the playpen. It looks convincing and practical. As cheap as they were selling as today is the last day of the expo, we didn’t buy it. I wished that I did, but the wise thing to do is wait. Wait for more opportunities and wait for you to grow bigger 🙂

After a long walk at the expo, we went home and Mama slept coz I wasn’t feeling too well. First time in this trimester, I actually felt like puking! Felt very nauseas and dizzy. Not to mention, they weather was killing! My foot were sore and my knees felt some pain. Probably from walking long with those flat shoes. I should have worn nice compy flip flops!

After the nap, Mama, Papa, and your Aunt Nini went for dinner with your grandma. Yep, with my mommy! I am so glad to see her! The last time I saw her was during my wedding. Seems like forever. It was a good dinner and when she found out I was expecting you, she was thrilled! I can see the sparkle in her eyes and I am glad she gave me some tips too. Your grandma would love to hold you in her arms soon. We have a different kind of relationship, but because of you, we will get closer and know each other even more 🙂

After dinner we went to the groceries. I wanted to know some ingredients to boil some nice soup so grandma taught me how to find certain things and it was very productive. I am gonna boil soup this week! YUMMY! Don’t worry, Mama is a good cook and you will get to taste it when you’re born 😀

Once home, I quickly unpacked the groceries and clean the kitchen a little bit. Papa was mopping the whole house and cleaning after the dogs as well. That was already 11.30pm when we did that.

Did I tell you how much I love Papa?
He cleaned the whole house without ever complaining and he asks me to do it. He would sweep/vacuum/mop all by himself and also do the toilet!

He would be dripping in sweat after doing all that and I know it was a lot of hard work!
I am amazed at this creation of God. Sometimes I fail to show/tell him how much I appreciate him for doing these things, but I hope someday, that I will be able to show it to him. He makes sure the house is clean is comfortable for me as I am expecting you. I know he is doing it because he wants to. There are no words to describe how much I love him and having you, proves it! He is such a great person and I bet he’ll be a cool dad to have! I can’t wait for you to meet him and learn all the things about him. He will be your hero, trust me!

I am really tired now and Mama has an 8.30am class tomorrow. It is already 1am now. I am going to sleep and baby, I love you very much. May you sleep soundly and continue to grow.

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